"What you came looking for, you came looking with."
I think these words from Chuck Chamberlain encapsulate this week's reading rather well. It is a reading that constellates around some kind of internal struggle for structure in your life, which reflects a deeper matter of the soul and the search for meaning.
But are you searching in the right place?
Because what you're looking for, you're looking with.
First, the set-up: the Five of Wands. Wands denote eros, or creativity, and fire, and Fives denote some kind of struggle - so the Five of Wands suggests that there is, to quote the card name, an internal conflict, and one particularly to do with where you devote your energy.
"Shall I do this? Or shall I do that?""What, in this morass of projects/focuses/calls-to-action, is the one that's worth my time?""If I could just step back enough from everything that's crowding in on me, I'd see the forest for the trees.""Just who the hell is running this show anyway?""I know I need discipline. But do you think I can find it?"
The Five of Wands signifies that there are many irons in the fire, but a lack of faith in some way about which one to choose, and which one to forge. This may or may not be accompanied by a feeling of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), but that doesn't define it as much as the vying for attention and the pervading experience of psychic crowdedness or confusion - or both.
This card is the foundation to your current circumstances. But it doesn't tell the whole story. The other two cards help to do that. And it's a story that might surprise you, or it might not. Either way, this is not simply about your creative life, and how you harness it: it is also very much to do with an evolutionary aspect of your soul.
This struggle may seem mundane - boring, even. You may be boring yourself to tears. The presence of two major arcana cards, though, elevates this struggle to one that is existential in nature - or ontological. It is to do with meaning - of why you are here; of the Great Work that you are performing in the shaping of yourself.
In other words, this isn't just about feeling conflicted or disorganised or without direction. It is also about the driving desire of your soul to experience all of this in order that it can further define itself through you.
You may think this is all about what you're doing - or, perhaps more appropriately, what you feel you're not doing. No, no. This is about what you are being, and who you are being called to become in your own unique way. This is not the promise of specialness or superstardom, but rather it is an invitation for you to step into what is essential to you.
It is, simply and critically, asking you to recognise something about yourself that has been there all along.
"Ah, yes," you might say. "All I have to do is to be myself. That's what this reading is asking me to do."
Well, quite. But how many of us really know who we are? If we were to be ourselves fully, unashamedly and uncompromisingly, would we recognise ourselves?
And, in the case of this reading, if we were to devote our creativity, what is burning inside us, to the unique task that is ours, and ours alone, would we know what that was, and, if so, would we follow its call?
Ask yourself this. Ask yourself and give yourself space not just to answer, but to feel what comes up before an answer comes. That space before the answer might be more fertile and more useful than anything you say to fill the space, or to avoid the space.
"If I were to devote my creativity, what is burning inside me, to the unique task that is mine, and mine alone, would I know what that was, and, if so, would I follow its call?"
Maybe you already know and you're already following that call. Maybe it's not particularly important to you, which is no less valid than any other choice.
But for those of you who feel that Five of Wands as it jockeys for position inside you - "Go! Go! No - stop! Stop! Hurry up! Choose now. Now! No - don't choose" - and feel something of the call to truth in the presence of The Star, as what is already here, and The Hermit, who asks that you look inside, and not outside, to find that light burning. For those of you who feel all this, notice whether the source of your discomfort is really to do with the circumstances of your life, and the relative importance or unimportance of choices, or whether this confusion - and all these damn options - masks something else:
That if you went within and followed the path of The Hermit to find that light that can never be extinguished - has never been extinguished - the conflict would simply fall away as the distraction it has always been. Because it is not what you do, but who it is that is doing the doing.
Find the who, and the what will be what it will be - but it will always be an expression of an inner truth that is unwaveringly and unremittingly you. This is the journey of a lifetime. It's worth giving it the space it deserves, and that includes the wisdom of, "I don't yet know."
Astrology Correspondences: Five of Wands (Saturn in Leo), The Star (Aquarius), The Hermit (Virgo)
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